As a carer an unspoken image is presented - that of a saintly figure benignly going about the business of putting everyone else first and their own person second.
I'd challenge that as being totally unrealistic.
Mother Theresa was, undoubtedly, a good person. However, even she had time off and didn't apply herself all day everyday to just one or two people - there in lies the difference.
I slept last night, or, at least my eyes were closed & I was in bed. But, when the usual lower back & hip pain finally roused me just before 5 I felt as though I hadn't slept at all. My body felt reluctant to move and everything was so very heavy and lethargic. No long after I got downstairs my face started to ache - it does this from time to time. An application of deep freeze gel usually sees it off but, guess what?, I have none left.
Dad appears shortly after me, promptly taking over the kitchen relegating me to sit at my pc & browse email & facebook, even though I was dying for a glass of water. It's hard to explain what it's like sharing a house with someone who is so single-minded these days about what he wants to do & when he wants to do it that there is no compromise. So, despite how I feel or what I want, I just wait until he sits down, finally.
There are times when it feels distinctly as if I have no control whatsoever over what I have to do, or the timing of it.
I have no idea where the time went this morning, but I didn't have my coffee until after 6, which put my breakfast at well after 7. Of course, dad, after having yet another nap, returns to the kitchen just after 7 and announces that "Mother is awake". Supposedly that's my cue to jump to my feet, race around the kitchen getting her breakfast prepared and take it upstairs where I have to stand and feed her (after the obligatory night pad change - that can be an adventure in & of itself). In the last week or so I have resisted the passive/aggressive body language and words. In the last week I have been trying to ensure I have my breakfast & painkillers BEFORE I attempt Mum's breakfast & pad change.
Why?
Because I've found that if I don't eat before her breakfast then my own breakfast gets pushed past 8 a.m. and, by that point, my body is starting to shake and the pain levels are such that painkillers won't work for the rest of the day. So, I put myself before Mum HOWEVER, doing this simply puts more pressure on being awake early enough to get body moving before her breakfast at 7:30 (ish). There is no point in trying to explain this to dad because a) he doesn't get it, I don't "look" unwell and the way I move is certainly a put on, b) Mum is the centre of his world therefore she should be the centre of everyone else's world, especially mine as I get paid to be her carer and c) he knows best.
Standing still feeding Mum today is difficult, left leg/hip/back pain.
What is the point to this? The point is this - I'm human, all carers are human, and every day we have to fight to deal with the stress of who goes first and why. And it's there every day, sometimes all day, sometimes only in small batches. No one, absolutely no one is centred enough, grounded enough and well enough to do this all the time. It takes a lot to resist the pressure of others, the huffing, the puffing, the glares and sideways looks as you refuse to perform on cue or dance to the timetable of another.
No one is perfect, no one is a saint all the time and it's wrong that we expect that of ourselves (if anyone knows how to reprogramme that response in short order, let me know, will you?).
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