Introduction

Let's start at the beginning, a very good place to start (according to a rather famous song lol).

I'm 48 years old, this year.  I worked in a paid job for 27 of those years and now I look after my mother as her official carer.   Mum is bed-bound with Parkinsons and Postural Hypotension. I also look after dad, who was diagnosed with severe congestive heartfailure a couple of months ago, but to a lesser extent.  I'm also chronically ill - pernicious anaemia (I'm one of those people who is literally gagging for their next "fix" of B12), various forms of arthritis, and fibromyalgia.

Most people haven't heard of fibromyalgia.  Basically it's varying degrees of joint and muscle pain 24/7 365.  Plus a foggy head, making recollection of information difficult, and chronic near exhaustion. (Exacerbated by falling levels of B12.)  Plus chronic sinusitis - which makes the foggy head all the worse.  All these things vary from hour to hour, day to day and get exacerbated by anger, frustration, worry.  If you want an idea about dealing with fibro - if you've ever been on a long haul flight & exerpienced jetlag - feeling so very tired, unable to focus, your body feels like it weighs a ton then add in the muscle & joint pain you get during & after a really bad bout of flu :- there ya go!

I'm not married or have a romantic partner, so I have to deal with everything myself.  Why do I not have one - loads of reasons, mostly because the ones I thought felt a similar way to how I felt, turned out not to.  These days just dealing with what I have to deal with is more than enough - adding a romantic layer into that, setting up conflicts between needs. . .   no thank you.  Though, there are times, when the world lies heavily on my shoulders, I do so wish I had someone to hold me & tell me that I'm doing fine.  *sigh*

I have no children - for various reasons I'm not going into here.  I do have, currently, 5 cats - 2 elderly, 1 diabetic, 1 with 3 legs and the newest addition (who may, or may not be staying), a youngish tomcat.

The government pays me £104 a week - why should the government pay me to look after my mother?  Because if I didn't both she & dad would be in a nursing home costing £1000+ a week - they want/promote care in the community, this is how the do it.

I'll not get that for much longer because they only pay you the Income Support part of the payment (roughly £40) for 3 years after your National Insurance contributions ceased - so that'll be end of Sept this year.  After that, I am financially fucked - no one can live on £64 a week.  And, depending on which political party gets into power after today's election, I could be even worse off.  Fortunately (and I am in a very fortunate position in this respect) Mum and Dad help out from time to time.

We do have carers who come in 4 times a day, usually they do the heavy stuff like moving Mum up the bed & changing sheets & all that.  Sometimes I still have to do it.  Some of the carers are brilliant, some are less so.

The  most contentious (to my family at least) part of my life is the fact that I am Shaman.  I don't eat children, I don't sacrifice animals, I don't participate in orgies, I don't dance naked under a full moon in a convenient grove of trees. I don't worship devils or Satan (I don't believe in either). I actually believe that all life is sacred (yes, I eat meat), I believe that everything has a spirit (yes, including rocks).  I don't have a "god", I have spirit guides.  I don't have a church - why have a building when nature is the cathedral?  I don't have to have another person (i.e. a priest) intercede between me and my Guides.  I don't cast spells (that's Wicca).  My parents are fine with my spiritual choice (yes, spiritual not religious), one of my brothers keeps informing me I am going to hell, one of my sister-in-laws has trouble bringing herself to talk to me (& when she does she treats me as a misguided 10 year old).

I've spent years keeping my spiritual belief preference quiet because I knew some of my siblings &/or in-laws/nieces/nephews would find it hard to take.  So, why now?  Well, conflict between siblings no longer matters as much, conflict/disapproval of in-laws who only make an appearance when there is an issue . . .  it doesn't matter much any more.  Or, in other words, I'm fed up hiding it.  By the same token, I will never rub anyone's face in my belief system.  Systems of faith are highly personal, what works for one may not work for another.  Finding one which fits you can take a lifetime or you can find it straight away: and I am perfectly fine with that (unlike others).  Questions, if sincerely asked, will be answered.  Anything else will be ignored.

So, why mention it?  Because, as with any faith system, it keeps me grounded and keeps me going.

The balancing act of being me is, as it is with many others, one of tightrope walking.