If . . .

Yesterday was a bit of a bummer.  I had my heart set on a particular top I'd seen on Tesco's F & F clothing page.  £16 is a bit more than I'd usually be prepared to spend but if I get the wear out of it I would suspect I could, then £16 over a 2 year period isn't too bad.  But the Tesco in Gala didn't have one, the Tesco in Dalkeith didn't have one, so I have to decide whether to try Tesco Direct or whether I just pass it up and sigh philosophically.  You know, when I worked a regular job I didn't bat an eyelash at spending £16 on a top I know I'd wear a lot.  But times are different now.

I don't know if my intolerance of sound is due to the fibro or due to the cacophony in my head or just my lack of ability to concentrate these days but I found myself tidying up the other day without music on.  I find myself driving without background music a fair bit of the time.  I'd rather no listen to ticking clocks either - something I've just noticed sitting here in the kitchen resting my sore legs & back before heading back to finish tidying up & doing dishes.

In a somewhat wishful frame of mind, I find myself wishing what if dad didn't feel the need to use 6 cups & mugs in a day and leave half of them dotted around the garden?  What if I didn't have to tackle stairs many times every day?  What if we had a kitchen designed for ease of use and not have to bend over or reach onto tiptoe so often?  What if the cats actually ate everything in their bowel?  What if I actually had a dish washer?  What if we had a house on one level so that Mum could have a change of scenery, have her bed moved from the bedroom to the living room?  What if I actually had an income again, instead of surviving on the charity of my family and getting a handout which one government dept says is enough to live on and another government depart says isn't enough to live on.  What if I didn't have to juggle everyone's "need" for the washing machine all at the same time? What if I had a cat flap?  What if 2 of my little darlings actually used the litter tray as they are supposed to and not bath mats?

Years ago, when I was younger, fitter, healthier and unweighed down by the bollocks of life, I would never have considered a dishwasher.  I'd never have found myself wishing my car had an automatic transmission or a touch/close boot lid.  These days I find myself being prepared to make all sorts of compromises simply so I can keep going.

Never mind, B12 injection tomorrow YAY  By Wednesday my endurance should have increased a bit and my pain levels dropped a bit.  Won't do anything for the other issues but an improvement in one area of life can lift one's perspective on the rest of it.