What's Love Got To Do With "It"?

Another week, another set of circumstances to deal with, another set of monumental headaches as one tries to do what's best, but first have to decide what's best.  Working for a living was so much easier, one just had to deal with the crap but one also didn't have much of any control,  Control's an illusion anyway, but, sometimes, it's a nice illusion to have.

But, this morning, I was thinking about love.  About how we're fed these stories as kids about finding the happy ending, finding the soul mate/perfect one, finding solace and being saved.

Trouble is all those things depend on so many other things.  So, what if you meet your soul mate - or the one you think is your soul mate and turns out that definitions are different, or they just don't see you in quite the same way? What if compromise just can't be done?  What if your best friend can't be your romantic partner because they won't allow it (sometimes it's fear, sometimes it's because they just don't get it)?  What if you can't escape from the ties that bind (for whatever reason)?  What if you so desperately want/need someone else to take the strain for a while but there's no one there to do it?

Why do we assume that those whom we love can read our minds, understand why their actions hurt so much when, in all reality, no one can read another's mind to the point where things said or done can accurately be predicted as causing pain.

There are times/ events in my life that I wouldn't have overcome or made it through were it not for love.

And there are so many different variables of love.

Why do we chase after romantic/soul linking love?  Yes, humans are a social species.  Yes, opening yourself up to another human risks soul rending hurt.  But why is it the goal for so many?  I'll admit it, there are times when I so desperately need another human to hold me, to tell me it's okay, to hold my hand and give me strength - I rarely, if ever, get that support.  To the point where I become all rather surly about it all, and fed up and disillusioned, not to mention hard and cold.

And there are so many times when I just want to gather up my cats, pile everything in the car and say "fuck it, I can't do this any more" and just drive off.   Where would I go?  I have no idea.  What would I do for money?  I have no idea, my savings are long gone, my bank account is permanently overdrawn, some days of a week I have a full tank of diesel, but that's the size of it.  And then there's my medical issues and Suki's medical issues (she's a diabetic cat).  I don't even have the luxury of being able to run away.

So, I'm trapped.  And that's a bloody awful feeling to have - I'm used to it, I've been trapped my entire life because of parental expectations (imagine being told your entire life that you were only born to look after your parents in their old age), because of having no clarity in my own head what I want to do (though I do now - 30 years too late), because I was raised to pay homage to the great banking gods of Money and Responsibility - you MUST work for a living, doesn't matter how ill you are you must work, you must be responsible.  Ye gawds, how I sometimes wish to be irresponsible - to say fuck it and just go away for a day, a week, a month, not caring whether anyone else takes up the slack or not - just be completely and utterly selfish.

Aren't we all trapped, one way or another?  Doesn't help the way I feel about it all though.

What's love got to do with "it"?  I have no idea, but there are definitely times when I wish I didn't have this baggage called "love".