Yesterday I had to take the heart rending decision to end the life of one of my cats. Lucky had been with us for over 17 years, coming to us as a stray who was perhaps 18 months old, so, for a cat, he lived a very long life - no consolation for me. However, as with so many people who love animals, he was more than "just" a cat. He was my companion in times of emotional distress and hardship, he was my companion and playmate in the garden and the living room. He was there when the humans of my world were busy doing other things.
He wasn't your archetypal cat because he showed affection and interest in his humans, he taught me how to communicate with him. He had affection when he wanted it, always food and water in his belly and a warm place to rest up when he was sleepy. Occasionally he'd get a nudge if he couldn't decide whether to go out or stay in, bless him. But deliberate harm was never done.
Had the problem just been the blood clot in his spine, I would have found some way of affording treatment to give him a pain free few more months. Unfortunately the vet also found a lump, which had sent fibres into his bladder and that was why he was peeing blood. He was in so much pain. The vet was pretty sure it was cancer. They couldn't do anything about that. I was offered the option of letting them make him comfy and me bringing him home for the weekend to say goodbye before they put him to sleep on Monday, but I couldn't do that. He'd been terribly unhappy the last couple of days and I had already said my goodbyes and my thank yous.
I was with him at the end. It was shockingly sudden, but the last touch he felt was mine, the last emotion he felt was love from me and for me, if not him, that mattered a lot. I brought him home, I couldn't afford to cremate him. And, later this morning, I shall lay him to rest beneath the patch of ground he loved to sleep on in the summer, surrounded by dappled shade, verdant plants and warmth. So here his remains will stay until someone else comes to this house & changes the garden.
It's heart breaking, for me. I dunno how the rest of the household feels, I'm not sure I really care at the moment. It's hard to loose a lovely spirit, whether it be human or animal. The other cats are very quiet and I even found Samson curled up next to Lucky last night - they were never really friends in life.
The Shaman in me understands perfectly the release of the spirit from a physical body no longer functioning. And I felt him go, which seemed to surprise the vet - I didn't need her listening to his chest to know his heart had stopped. But the Shaman doesn't really deal in the harshness of emotional reaction.
Day before yesterday, I was approached by a spirit, a youngish man, maybe an older teenager, dressed, strangely, in a tuxedo. He was incredibly boyish and bouncy, so full of life and love and joy and wonder. He introduced himself to me as Lucky - this spirit is my cat! It took him a few moments after the physical body had died before he decided to come back to me. And, as much as it is a comfort, it's also incredibly hard to have him bouncing around, chasing butterflies, patting at daffodil flowers - just as Lucky used to do. He's in sunshine, he's pain free and he's worried about me because he knows how much I hurt right now. It's the grieving process and the intellectual side of me knows this and knows I just need to endure and let it run its course - it will ease in time. And, in time, if he's still around, I'll be able to enjoy the spiritual presence of dear wonderful beautiful Lucky.
It was 2007 when Jasper died, that's the last time a cat companion of mine died. Poor Jasper was so disorientated, it was so very hard for me to point him in the direction he needed to go. Jasper stayed a cat in spirit.
It'll be a while before life takes on any colour or warmth for me, but it will happen eventually.
Good bye, my chunky old man, I shall miss you terribly. Thank you for sharing your life with me. Thank you for your warmth, your love and your companionship. Enjoy chasing the butterflies over the rainbow bridge - until we meet again, which I have no doubt we will. I love you.
