Mud - aka procrastination.
I got the revised review documents from Social Work and, quite frankly, I'm still not happy. Though not nearly as unhappy as I was with the first draft. At least this one has been sort of spell checked (as in not all the document is checked). However, I just can't seem to get off the bit & email the SWer back & get it sorted.
Same with some of the carer issues - it is ridiculous that it reaches the point where I think "what's the point?" No matter how much I am polite & nice and reasonable, the fuck ups continue. Why don't I scream & shout? Because that's counter-productive. I try to sort it but then I run into the mass of people who just don't care, or comprehend what the issue actually is. I wonder if they'd get it if it was their mother/father?
We had the chaps who wash the windows round this past week. Some days I can hardly brush my hair, so washing windows is an impossible task. They do a good job. So I've asked them to do the inside windows next time they are here doing the outside - cost is the same (£20 for outside, £20 for inside) so at least we're going into winter with clean internal windows. Dad's balked at that. But then dad is thinking he has money issues just now. He's not for being convinced otherwise either - so he takes it out on me because he can't take it out on my sister. *sigh* But he got fair affronted when I said I'd hold back a £5 each week from housekeeping to pay - oh that didn't go down at all well. Canny win for losing.
Anyway, the chaps finished & rang the doorbell, as they do. Dad opened the door said "hello" and closed it in the poor guy's face!!! I thought dad had paid him - when I asked dad he just looked at me as if to say "why should I pay him? for what?" Fortunately, I didn't have time to be overly embarrassed. And the chap was not too affronted.
Mum's had a cough for a while, it's getting steadily worse. I called the Dr. He visited & prescribed antibiotics. After 2 days Mum was feeling sick, so I stopped the antibiotics & phoned the Dr for advice - Dr is on a long weekend, I was offered the 2 GPs who are utter bastards (in my opinion). So we'll have to wait until tomorrow. However, even off the antibiotics Mum is feeling sick. I dunno what to do - it's not an emergency, she's in no real distress, I've given her some anti-sickness tablets which settle her. I guess I'll wait.
When the Dr was out seeing Mum, dad chimed in about all his sleeping. He really caught the Dr a sideswipe with it. And he wanted the Dr to cut down on his morning tablets - after all, it's the only possible reason. Fortunately my brain was already engaged & working. So I managed to follow up the Dr's comments to dad about the consequences of stopping any of his morning tablets. So far he's left that subject alone.
Also had the dentist come out to visit Mum after she broke a tooth. Nice lady & assistant, far better than the last one who came out. They took the tooth out. Mum has a lovely colourful bruise, but at least she's not experiencing that pain any more. I keep trying to remember to pay the bill! I'll have to do it this coming week. Maybe I should write it down!
Dad's also had issues with his sugar levels. My sister, also a diabetic, is the resident guru on such matters because she controls hers exceedingly well. I have a rudimentary knowledge. Anyway, he starts in on me the day sis is out for her walk. How do I explain that there is more to diabetic control than just "sugar", there's complex carbohydrates, there's fats and all the rest of it. Especially when he starts in on me before I can get my brain into the right gear (it is so frustrating - I used to be able to change mental gears in milliseconds & have wonderful reactive conversations with people, they are so rare now and I find it quite upsetting) and besides, he doesn't hear all that I say. He doesn't seem to get it that scones have sugar (just like they have wheat, milk, eggs etc). He doesn't get it that the wee trifle pots Mum likes have sugar. Or that an intake of excess fruit can send things out of control. So he moans about it, we try to tell him and either he doesn't hear or he doesn't comprehend or he doesn't remember - but, whatever the reason, he's finding life very frustrating and won't accept help or advice. *sigh* I suppose it's because "I'm the parent" and children shouldn't be more knowledgeable or wiser or more experienced than the parent.
Me? I started a diet last Monday. I'm not sure of the exact trigger for this. I know I'm not particularly fond of the way I look and the way my body feels, but that's not unusual. Luckily, despite the trails of this week, despite being put on another 2 weeks of antibiotics and having higher than normal leg pain, I've stuck to it - more or less. My clothes aren't as tight. Indeed, one particular shirt now has an extra inch of cross over on the front at the bottom 2 buttons so this is good. It's helped a little with the fatigue, as in the fatigue isn't quite as all encompassing as it can be. The pain levels are about right for this point in the B12 cycle. But then I never expected it to help with the pain - skinny people with fibro have pain - fibro pain is not indicative of weight.
Week 2 has an increased allowance in veggies. Week 3 has an increase allowance in meat. Week 4 has an increase allowance for bread. After week 4 I can start to have treats. I'm not as strict as I could be, however, I don't binge the way I used to. Hopefully after 8 weeks, I'll have a new eating regime stuck in my head.
How do I cope with all of this? When I first left work - I held so hard onto so many things. Fear was my constant companion (is still there in many ways). Emotions were strong. But, as time passes and emotional exhaustion sets in, as well as physical exhaustion, I started to unravel. Like the elastic inside a golf ball. Strand by strand it would snap or tear. It's very painful unravelling like that. But, unlike the first time I broke (mentally speaking) my core remains strong. When I first broke I lost all sense of self and it went SNAP in the fraction of a second after being attacked by someone I thought was an acquaintance (never a friend though) but it was an attack from an unexpected source - who was I, what did I like doing, what gave me pleasure, what made me hurt? I was completely lost and I rebuilt myself from the core outwards, deciding what kind of person I wanted to be, what kind of battles I would be prepared to fight etc etc etc. This time I'm unravelling slowly and my core remains strong. I'll hang in there until circumstances change.
Unfortunately, it's not been a productive week writing wise. The next section of the book is going to be intense and powerful so I need to have just the right way set in my mind. However, page 201 from commencing it in February really isn't that bad at all.
I'll get there. Farting rainbows as usual!
